I can rest so much easier now that I know who the father of Dannielynn is. Don’t even deny it: You could barely function in your daily lives before the results of the autopsy were released.

Seriously though, it pains me that I know the name of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. For the past two months, every credible news source has beat the Anna Nicole saga to death. Seeing respectable journalists like Anderson Cooper — on reputable news stations like CNN — deliver news of Anna Nicole’s life and death makes me want to rethink my decision to enter the field of journalism.

Last night, I flipped on the television at 1:30 a.m. on a homework break to find groundbreaking news about what Anna Nicole wrote in her diary in 1996. Indulge me: Google “top news for April 9” and see what comes up on CNN.com. The worst part is, while CNN reporters divulge the most intimate details of Anna Nicole Smith’s life, a ticker quickly speeds over world news — mostly Iraq war news, to be sure — on the bottom of the screen.

There once was a place for such news as the Anna Nicole fiasco. These places were called tabloid news sources. Then, magazines like Us Weekly became popular. In these magazines, not only can you read about how much Paris Hilton spent on Rodeo Drive last week, but you can also see what kinds of snack foods Cameron Diaz bought at the grocery store and browse photos of Michelle Pfeiffer walking her dog.

When did the general public become interested in such mundane details of anyone’s life, celebrity or not? If the Campus printed photos of Professor Bulman grabbing the morning paper in his houserobe, or Silas Russell taking a giant bite out of a Big Mac, would anyone read it?

Sadly, I’d have to say that I would expect the better part of the Allegheny community to thoroughly scour such an issue. Allegheny is made up of some of the “best and brightest,” with plenty of “unusual combinations” and a tremendous amount of academic interest.

But even the most intelligent youth of this generation haven’t escaped the effects of modern media. I’d bet my car that more Allegheny students could name Justin Timberlake’s current love interest than could name five likely candidates for the 2008 presidential primaries.

When you step back and look at it, there are a million reasons why we should be more interested in reading or watching news about U.S. foreign affairs (or at least “nappy-headed hos”) than news about Britney Spears’ latest baby bump.

Can you think of one good reason why we aren’t? Neither can I.

By the way, did you hear that Suri had her first haircut?